Carisa's Mirror

Involving yourself in something: a person, an organization, a fraternity or sorority; and it will involve itself in you.  When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see something you like? Love? Hate? Do you see the reflection looking back at you?

In the fraternity and sorority world, there is a saying: “you are always wearing your letters” or “when you represent those letters, you represent all of us”. Even though there is great truth behind them, I know how cliché they are. So my statement is: “When you look in the mirror, look past the reflection, and focus on the memories that got you there. Those memories create the person you see”.

The other day I was thinking about this as I was driving home. We all have some crazy experiences that make us who we are- and since I was driving, I was thinking about driving and how much this experience has influenced my life.

In 2011, January 28^th to be exact, I received another memory to but in my reflection. I remember it like it was yesterday-

It was my previous boyfriend’s birthday. We were out to dinner with some friends around 6pm. We were having a blast! Dinner was great and everyone was laughing, smiling, and celebrating a wonderful person’s birthday. A little later that night, I felt my phone vibrating. I pulled it out of my purse, and it was one of my littles- Liz. Now Liz and I were not the closest at this time. We talked every once in and a while but this time when she was calling me, I felt something different. Since I was at dinner, I would call her back later. I hit ignore and put my phone back in my purse.

About an hour later- around 8pm, we left the restaurant and walked down the outdoor mall strip to Yogurt Mountain- ‘YOMO’-which is the best frozen yogurt ever! It has bright green and purple walls with nothing but pictures of, what looks like, amazing treats and yogurt all over the wall- it smelled like waffle cone and heaven. It was the perfect place to get a post-dinner, birthday treat. We laughed the whole way there and were having a blast still celebrating. Since none of my sorority sisters were at the dinner, I was excited to walk in the doors of YOMO and see about 8 sisters sitting at a table. I immediately smiled big and as soon as the words “How are…..” came out of my mouth, my mood immediately changed.

I realized they had been crying and were clearly consoling each other. My “how are you?” immediately turned into “what’s wrong?”. One of the members grabbed my hand, pulled me close as she sat in the metal chair, and looked at the other sisters sitting with her and said “She doesn’t know”. Her eyes turned to me “Oh my God, Bon; you don’t know.” I will never forget the look in Alyssa’s eyes as she said those words to me. She pulled me down so I was squatted at her side. Still holding my hand, which was now resting under her’s on the shiny metal arm of the chair she leaned in and said “Carisa’s dead”.

“What?” I said.

“She’s gone, Bonny. She died.”

I’m sure I turned pale white. I felt the blood rush out of my face and into my feet. I pulled my hand out from under her’s and onto my mouth as I started to rise to my feet. I felt like I was going in slow motion.  I finally got to my feet, which seemed like it took 10 minutes. Alyssa just looked at me with tears welling up in her eyes. I turned to the door and fell into it, opening it onto the sidewalk outside. I just stood there shaking. My boyfriend came out and just grabbed me and held me as I begin to cry.

My phone. I had to call Liz.

Carisa is my grandlittle. Carisa is Liz’s little sister.

I put up my forearm to my boyfriends chest, reached around with my left arm and reached into my bag to grab my phone; my hands were so clammy. I hit dial.

Ring.

Ring.

sobs….. “Big….”

Liz and I sat on the phone saying nothing- we let our tears do all the talking. I walked down the plaza strip, still in shock, and finally found a wooden bench to sit on and start to realize what I had just heard. The words “she’s gone” were playing over and over in my mind.

Later that night, the university had opened a room on campus for sorority sisters and friends of Carisa to all meet and process what happened. I arrived and as a recently graduated member of my sorority family, I felt I pull to hold us all together. Liz lived out of state at the time and was flying in the next day but without her, I felt it was a duty to stand up for my family in a time of crisis. I walked into the open room to meet my littles, other grand littles, great grand littles, and other members I had been a role model to over my years in Zeta. We all just stood there embracing each other. We were all crying and wanted to escape the room and just get away from all these people who were crying. I felt as if everyone was there- whether they knew Carisa or not; and I’ll be honest, that bothered me. I didn’t like the thought of someone who spelled Carisa’s name with two S’s (Carissa), coming up to be saying, “I’m so sorry. We are all so sad” or “I’m here for you”.  It drove me nuts. I couldn’t imagine how the other members of my sorority family felt.

We all sat down and the Dean of Students, who is a Zeta Tau Alpha alumna, said a few words. It still felt surreal to me, like I was having an out of body experience, like the ground was falling out from under me but I was still standing on it looking down into a black hole- I think that is how a lot of the sister felt. After the few short words form the dean and a few more words from counselors and the Vice President for Student Affairs, my and my little Allison and grand little Amanda got in the car and drove to a near by apartment where the rest of my sorority family and gathered. I walked slowly up to the third floor where, as I opened the door, I saw nothing but crying sisters on the floor. I remember seeing my Great grand little, Adrianne. Her long blonde hair was covering her face and as she saw me walk in the door, she immediately rose to her feet and quickly walked over to me. She gave me the most meaningful hug- It gives me chills to think about it. We didn’t say anything. It was nice to just know that we were there for each other. As she pulled away I had stopped crying, I knew I had to be strong- especially for Adrianne, I looked her in the eyes and said “I love you and I will love you just as Carisa did. I’m always here for you”. After standing in the room for about an hour without tears, I knew it was time to go home. After all, at this point I thought I would be teaching the next day and had to be to work at 6:30am. I went home to my empty apartment and just sat there in the quiet with my dog at my feet. I didn’t know what to think or what to do. I called my boyfriend and immediately went to his apartment. I couldn’t be alone that night.

Plans were quickly made for Carisa wake and memorial service on campus. The memorial service was held on a Sunday night on the FGCU campus right outside the student union on the lawn. All our sisters and alumni gathered in a room in the student union to walk over together. As I walked in this room, I immediately saw my best friend Lori standing at the back of the room. I walked over to her with a smile on my face and so happy to see her. She opened her arms and asked “are you okay?”. Until this point, I had been. I was the strong member for our family, I had been carrying us, them, through the mayhem and I wouldn’t, couldn’t let them see me as weak. But when Lori asked me these three simple words, I melted as I buried my head into her neck and started crying and the words “No, I’m not okay” weakly left my body.

As we all started walking out the memorial service I knew I was going to have to say a few words about Carisa. At this point, I started growing weaker, nervous, and the strength I once carried was now nothing but desperation for the next 15 minutes to be over. After prayers, comments, and songs; it was my turn to take the microphone. I honestly don’t know what came out of my mouth. I just looked to the sky, and started talking- and for some reason, I felt Carisa there with me, with our sisters, and with the over 1,000 students that had gathered to remember her. It was a tragically beautiful moment. The next few days brought much of the same. The wake and funeral happened and I more in those few days than I had in quite some time- and through it all, I still felt as if I was changed in some way for the better.

The reason I said is in my description of who Carisa was is because once someone like Carisa came into your life, you would never be the same. Even though she is not here anymore, does not mean she is not still my grand little, or was a memory. She is a memory. A blessed, beautiful memory that I think about almost daily as I travel through life. As we all travel through life there are moments that change us forever. Car accidents, deaths, live, my decision to join Zeta, your decision to join whatever organization you represent, these are all moments that make us who we are and influence our outlook on life, and our reflection in the mirror.

Think about it, what experience have you had that made the biggest impact on your life? Signing your bid card? Losing someone you love? Attending a wedding? Experiencing something with your sisters?  Think about the people who helped you get through it. And think of how you know those people. Those are the people you want to surround yourself with- because those are the people that matter, will help you grow, and understand where you have been. I am blessed to say Zeta Tau Alpha has given me that experience, because I have involved myself in it –even after graduation. Now, it has involved itself in me …. And the ever-growing passion I have for members of Zeta and women like Carisa.

Even though this was [tragic] a defining moment in my life, I tried to keep in mind that everything happens for a reason. You see, every moment in our lives creates the person you see looking in the mirror at you. Even if you do not like that person now, that person has a purpose. Carisa had, HAS, a purpose and every time I look up at the sky, I think of my littles, my grandlittles, and my Zeta family, my sisters and best friends, and realize that every moment is precious, lasting, and you can never get it back. None of us are promised tomorrow, so we should all make the most out of today. I was lucky enough to have Carisa involve herself in me. I am just lucky enough to have grown from her. So think of the people, organizations, and things you can grow from and surround yourself. Because as you grow, you will grow look back one day at your experiences as you look in the mirror and realize those people helped make you who you are.

Im glad Carisa is a part of my life and I’m so happy and blessed she helped me grow and learn to see the person I see in the mirror everyday with "LOVE.... the greatest of all things."